Heedlessly Sloppy!

* I just feel like hell sometimes for no reason.

*The world is a such a small place that u bump into unwanted things always but so large that u never come across what you want

*If hope can ever successfully turn into reality, why would there be something called ‘hope’. My point is; if given an option hope would turn into despair, but never the other way.

* There the milk is rising making a mess in the kitchen, so what?? Why the hell should I care? My life is already a mess. 

“Oh milk! U fail if u think, the mess u create would do anything new to me”

*You know what, money is the culprit!!! I feel like killing it, and then I would stay there with the corpse, not running away from the scene because, “my dear money, I can’t live without you. No! don’t ask me then why in the first place would I want to commit the murder – ran out of answers dude”..Oh yes u must be a male

*When in the office yesterday, on the eve of Women’s Day, we got mugs saying they salute all the women who have considerably contributed to the growth of the company , all the men out there, I could read the mockery on ur faces, how much ever you tried to hide it. (Oh poor me! I still try to satisy myself thinking you tried to hide, when you showed it so distinctly!) At that instant, were you not thinking “for all the efforts we have put to make this company grow, u ladies just walk in and walk out and now, you flaunt those mugs with pride”

Men, I say “grow up!!! Its time u accept there exists another competitive gender in this world now”

*We get up in the morning to go back to bed in the night. What is the need to get up in the first place!!!

* Dear tomorrow, how many times will you promise that you would be good to me tomorrow??? Let me play the part of being ur foreteller and disclose one precious piece of info- ‘U would end up going to hell for, u have never kept ur promise, not even a single day!’

*Dear Yesterday, how many times will you laugh at me when at the end of each day, I believe in tomorrow with the same unfailing trust. Are you also a partner in the crime??

*Damn it!!! Its time to stop….

No..Y should i?? After all, it is my blog! 

I hate scribbling rubbish but how I love it now!!!!

I have gone mad right??? Yes I know… I go mad, I look mad, I do mad, yes I am mad

*If ur girl blames PMS for her emotional outbursts, trust me, she would never have been more truthful!!! Yes guys, it’s a valid reason!!!

*Okay I know I should publish a new post in no time cos I know, any person entering the blog would never come back to check it if this stands at the top. 

But I feel better now-hell lots!!!

Veelaithe Nalugu Maatalu...Kudirithe Cup Coffee..

Anthena??

Inkem Kavali??

Veelaithe nalugu maatalu

Kudirithe cup coffee

These are the dialogues from the very famous Bommarillu. If I translate them into English, the flavor of the dialogues is actually lost (The reason why the last thing we wish to do in our lives is to watch a Hollywood movie dubbed into regional languages). However, since my blog is intended for readers of all languages, let me try translating these dialogues into the universally understood language.

That’s it??

What else do you want?

A small chat if possibe

A cup of coffee if feasible

These seemed like very captivating dialogues for me, when I first heard them. I had this as my ringtone in my engineering like hundred others at college. And lately, in my office, when I heard this ringtone, I started looking for the owner of the phone and to my surprise; I found that he is Non-Telugu guy. Then, I started wondering what’s so catchy in the ringtone, is it the music that accompanies the dialogues or is the dialogue itself.

Today, I realized, for me, it is the dialogues that were more appealing. Truly, ‘nalugu maatalu’ and ‘oka cup coffee’ with someone you love works miracles on you. Today, I understood how magical a long chat with a loved one is. Totally devastated I was, until this friend called me and offered to talk to me until I come out of my distress. It worked wonders truly. At the end, I was all light and happy and I now announce beaming “Hey! I am back to form!”

Buddy, my heartfelt thanks to you for this magical mental relief. I am blessed to have you. I owe you hell lots!!!!

Chance or Choice ??

I walk on the wall between the coarse construction industry and the tender art & creativity. My choice of this ‘coarse’ career, though not a decision, would not let the ‘tender’ creativity interfere with it because I would love to do something creative for my own pleasure but not as a profession. To be clear, I walk on the wall between these two, because I want both as much as I want each one. People think I do so because I am forced to choose only one side and I still cling to the other unable to leave it.

I never get drawn by one single side of the wall, neither do I get repelled. I am 100% happy with my profession but something continually tells me not to forget my yearning for something softer in life too, like psychology, art, writing, music, history etc. Some things like this have come natural to me, but I must admit, I have not toned them down into proper shape due to my negligence and laziness. So now growing older, I realize that, its time, I find a place for things like this in my life to give life a sense of fullness.

Thinking about all these, I wonder if I have ever done something called ‘taking a decision’ in my life. I am just taking everything that’s coming on my way. As destiny took me along the journey I am now in, the turns have worked for me and I am always happy. I haven’t planned anything I wanted to do, it just happened. That is why; I sometimes think that life is all about serendipity for me.

My take on life is serenity but the path I have chosen makes it contrary until the end of the day. I am very happy with what I am doing now; yet, I don’t get carried away with it. I still remember that serenity is what I love. I am flexible enough to adapt to anything around me, nonetheless I am very rigid enough not to forget what I am actually for. This holds true for everything in my life. That is why, I feel, though destiny takes its part in my life, I have not given it over to destiny totally. I still hold it firmly in my hands and it remains clenched forever.

Something in this quote and this picture said "post this!!!"..So I did...

"The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.”
-Chuck Palahniuk

A Brand New Day!!

This is the blog i have written sitting in the induction class at jamnagar. I now got time at paradip to post this on blog. Here goes...

The day I joined my job, I had to travel by Essar Bus on a road which is lined up with a panorama of endless industries to reach my office. My bus screeched to stop at one such monster-type infrastructure project and that’s the place I should work. At one glance, I saw my dreams shatter into pieces. I was always dreaming of buildings and only buildings. Real Estate was all I thought about, but that day, seeing myself in an infrastructure project site, I started wondering if I have compromised all my dreams for the brand. The giant structures looked very annoying and maddening for me. I cursed myself more than any other time in life for doing that to myself. those gigantic structures were giving me nightmares and I could hardly sleep that night. The next day, I have seen the same thing again and I felt the same. But the third day I felt very different.

A BRAND NEW DAY!!!

Yes, that’s what life on projects means…a day to create, add something new, apply engineering…Getting the project done each day is the value that we live with. Each day, it’s exciting to see a barren land transforming into mammoth structure in your hands. In a project, time truly flies by and at the end of the day, when you look at the structure, the satisfaction that fills in is matchless, after all it is your own creation. That’s the world of projects. Maybe I have fallen in the right part of the universe. Yes, now I am ready for a ‘brand new day’.

True, Just like the way Snehal says “Yeh Sabu ka bridge hain” whenever she sees Bandra-Worli Sealink, my associates would one day call some famous structure after me even if I am a tiny part of such gigantic project

I smiled at the way I convince myself so easily and start loving whatever I do.

Beauty in the Backyard went unnoticed!

My dad has an excitement for construction and related things long before he was in real estate. I remember I was about 10, when my dad used to take me to some remote peaceful sites, where there is nothing but large expanse of land. He used to build an imaginary house with his fingers in the air and toes on the ground. But, I being a kid could see nothing more than air. But now that I am a grownup or maybe because I am a (supposed-to-be) civil engineer (now that m graduated), I can clearly see ‘castles in air’. Whenever I go for a ride with dad on his bike, he takes me to some of our sites in the city outskirts, absolutely silent and serene locations to build imaginary houses. I don’t take an interest in modern, modular homes. Old village type houses are always my types just like my dad’s. I dream of a tiled roof house, antiquely furnished with rose wood, with wide varendah all around the house with wooden pillars, with a wide stretch of colourful flowery garden lined with coconut trees and with a small pool filled with lotus flowers. Ya, a typical country home-that’s the type of house I dream to build.

Yesterday, I have seen one such house-this time all true- no dreams. I come from a place in coastal Andhra where River Godavari takes its widest stretch and then splits into 7 tributaries. Yesterday I had been on a small Konaseema trip to Andarvedi, the place where Godavari mixes with Bay of Bengal. On my way to the place in an Airconditioned Car (we can no more enjoy the nature naturally-v get tanned in sun, sick in dust n what not!), I realized how much I missed living in the country side. The driveway was lined by coconut trees and to the left and right of the driveway there are (visibly) infinite tracts of green paddy fields. And adjacent to the road, a canal of godavari flows all through. That was what the late Rajashekhar Reddy intended when he talked about ‘Harita Andhra’. 

We stopped at Dindi to take a boat ride in the wavy backwaters to the house I talked about- A house in coconut groves with large Varendas all around, swings tied to the banyan tree, river view in the front, farm view in the back, bamboo and palm wood ceiling, antique furniture and exactly everything I wanted. For one second, I experienced a dream-come-true feeling and the very next second I realized it doesn’t belong to me n so my dream still remains a dream. We dint get a chance to see but the cruise driver talked about another guest house with a bedroom having glass ceiling for star gazing in the night. How I wished I had one!!! 

Then we went to Antarvedi, and took a boat in the river to see the sangam. It was real scenic to see the rigourous sea waves on one side and the calm river on the other side in the sunset. Then I saw the moonlit beach and started on my way back home. On our way back, we laughed belly-fulls watching one old classic Jandyala movie “Chantabbai” in the car quickly getting back to the modern technological life yet trying to maintain a country feel settling with a classic.

In all, it was one fantastic trip. I felt very close to nature. But all my way back I had a pricking regret for being disloyal to my land, Konaseema cos I overlooked this ‘beauty in the backyard’ and traveled thousands of miles for scenic beauties (I could not derive this satisfaction from nature anywhere else in India though). What great Nature Lover I had been!!!

Miss u 3

Hi 3(m really hating it wen I say ‘3’ cos its always ‘4’ and its really nice that way),

I am writing this in my blog instead of replying for ur loving emotional SMS after our final goodbye yesterday, cos this is a place where I can be totally myself and talk anything uncensored just the way I am always wid u.

U know, sometimes you feel you have pushed a ‘replay’ button when things happen the same way they once happened. But there is again an end for everything and you experience the same pain you once experienced or maybe more than that, when you re-part on your ways. Yesterday was one such day. After bidding the last goodbye to you people I was all alone outside my house thinking “Hey how many hours were we together for??9 or 10!! Is it not just now that we saw each other after a long time? N we are already alone!!” True!!I just couldn’t believe we were together for one whole day. Time just flew. At that very moment, i came to know what people mean when they say they 'feel alone even in a crowd' 

There are lots of unsaid feelings deep inside me. I thought of writing a lot. Strangely I find myself at loss of words now. I feel extremely emotional writing this and words can hardly express these feelings. I am sorry, I can’t really write anymore…..

I miss you 3 a lottt!!!You were all just wonderful… All that clichéd stuff is uncalled for-‘stay in touch..keep mailing bla bla bla….’ Cos v ll anyhow do that.

Love you all….

A lot can happen over coffee!!!

I jus lovvv coffee!! I am a fervent fan of coffee. Yet, m not a coffee addict. Reasons??There are three

1. The law of diminishing returns. (I dint give it a damn for my economics exam but I have taken it damn serious in the case of coffee.)

2. I treasure coffee for few very special occasions- joys or blues. (I take coffee if I desire to cherish the occasion eternally and reminisce it over a cup of coffee later.)

3. Funding Limitations. (Want a true coffee??Go straight to Café Coffee Day!!! (No promotions intended). But for me- a student, spending 70-80 bucks on a single cup of coffee on a daily basis is pretty tough, despite the fact that it’s justly worth every single buck. So I reserve coffee for times which happen once in a blue moon)

The last day of my student life (supposed to be, but mm let’s c..),I have gone to CCD after a gluttony lip-smacking session of delicious Hyderabadi Biryani with my KANS gang to mark the occasion of ‘its-all-over :(’. It was a gloomy occasion, yet lighted up cos we were all still together. We playfully raised a non-alcoholic toast for our togetherness with our coffee cups. I had a cup of sinful coffee (it’s a true coffee of course, that’s the name.. lol..), not mentioning the occasional sips (calling ‘numerous as occasional’ and ‘mouthfuls as sips’ wearing a mask of modesty..he he he ;)) of Devil’s own and café frappe from their cups.

The next time I had coffee for an utter contrary occasion- to agonize for our separation. I really can’t take it when something-i-love-a-lot goes into the hands of something-i-don’t-love-that-much, especially when it’s turning out to be absolutely the latter’s. It happened that day when all my friends were busy parting on their ways. I just could not take it when ‘my juniors’ (the latter) were enjoying ‘MY college campus’ (the former) all to themselves, call it jealousy, I don’t care. (Note: Take a note on ‘my’. The case of the alphabets delineates the intensity of my ‘my’ feeling). I sobbed in ache and I felt a sudden urgency to run away from the college. Where else will I go, I realized it’s time for coffee! 

There I was on the couch (my favorite seat) in CCD. Yes it is Soniyo..O..Soniyo..(The most frequently played song in those 2 yrs of my college life in my lappy) in the speakers now…I dint make even a single effort to restrain my tears. Tears streamed down my cheeks and now I had a strange and weird sense of satisfaction for letting those tears out, with a cup of coffee in my hands.

Exactly 10 days after this episode, I was sitting in CCD agn almost in tears, but this time in vizag, counting things which are never gonna be the same like those at college. But this time I dint have a coffee, I just had a sizzling brownie fin its place. Maybe, this occasion is not really worth a coffee cos I reserved the next cup of coffee for our reunion.

So here, you 3 are royally invited to my place to cheer our reunion over a cup of coffee. A delicious feast follows of course ;) Looking forward to be together once again...

I have a custom of pasting a picture with every post. Here it is, my hand holding a cup of coffee with a cup of coffee on it, for a really close fren who loves a cup of coffee as much as I love a cup of coffee saying that I am always ready for a cup of coffee whenever my fren feels like having a cup of coffee with someone who loves to have a cup of coffee, to share something over a cup of coffee, really worthy to be shared over a cup of coffee.

Confused??Don’t be!!

True!! A picture is worth a thousand words (not jus words, even confusing words.. lol )..isn’t it?

Postmortem of my fights

I often quarrel with my loved ones when something goes wrong, as a matter of fact, whenever something doesn’t go my way.

“Don’t internalize negative feelings. Suppressing your rage doesn’t mean letting it go off, it actually means feeding and breeding it to cultivate into a demon. Staying fine, pretending nothing is wrong is the last thing to do, when you actually want to get over that. One day you wake up to discover that there is lots of cannot-be-cleared-up inventory in there.”-My way. 

I fight over petty things, almost everything that disappoints me, cos, I know if I don’t, I am building a stockpile of ‘things to be discussed later’. True, if not today, someday I definitely mouth those feelings when I quarrel, but this time with more sweeping uncontrollable rage than it ought to be. So, time to time I make it a point to crackdown the pot. I heard, an ulcer grows the same sum inward as much as it grows outward. It should be amputated at the inception itself. The same applies here as well. 

I just take for granted that my dear ones are made with intuitive powers. I expect them to guess if something goes wrong with me. I withdraw completely from everything, unwilling to open up; leaving them baffled and wondering “What’s wrong?” When they ask me, I just care to say “Nothing” with thoughts piling up inside “Does he/she really not know? After knowing me for years, why does he/she still do this? Can’t he/she read my expression and understand I am not happy? How insensitive!!” 

I grumble with self-pity. I feel sorry for myself. Nothing functions normally. I take away completely in sulk and morose. I brood over every tiny detail, dissect it, measure it from all possible angles but still don’t ingest it. I create a flinty atmosphere. This internal conversation goes on but that person unaware that m sulking, adequately eats, sleeps and laughs.(eeeesh!! I just behave so immature! Ironically, I sometimes act this way when I am branded to be ‘not rational’) 

One day I wake up. “This is really done with today. I am the one constantly in pain. I am hurting nobody but myself. All this is futile. He/She doesn’t even know what it is he/she has done. Let me just air it. At least, I feel better whatever the outcome is.” So after this delayed but factual realization of mine, I decide to finally unveil what’s bothering me. I argue, fight, shout, quarrel, cry and after all this bicker-snicker, my anger gets dissipated and I start relaxing. 

(Note: I do all this only with my very beloved ones. Ya, I know I am peevish and I don’t get slighted if they say so, cos I know I peeve)

Now we start analyzing what has caused all this in the first place. I give my version-they give theirs. Whatever has actually sprouted the fight, now gets permanently smashed at the roots. We become ‘indisputably friends’ again, laughing and chatting, ready for a fresh fight of course (no harm as long as you keep resolving issues). 

All over. I love them more than any time before. 

Nota Bene: 

This often happens with everybody- friends, couple, mom-child, dad-child, boss-subordinate etc. Taking the general case of a couple, this regularly happens with guy-girl, be it friends, lovers or married couple. I think women use lot of non-verbal signs to communicate and they expect men to interpret it their way. But men need to be spoon fed with all the data at their feet in the form of bulleted points. It is true that women can’t speak as coherently as men do with introduction-explanation-conclusion, necessarily in that sequence(as men want). The guy talk is entirely different-all in place unlike a gal’s- all over place. But that is what we (addressing ‘I along with other women’ now on) are, so we often end up in the way I do. Whatever it is, we are born (though not bred) this way. 

It’s a ‘woman thing’ and we expect the guy to get over the ‘why the hell can’t she tell?’ mode and take some ‘male interest’ in this.(No wonder if a guy feels quite the opposite, after all, howmuch ever we try, we cant get over what are)

Bakery and Robbery

Reading some blogs today reminded me of one incident for which I laughed my belly out as if I had gulped sums of N2O. In my 12th standard, there was this gal, say A(Identity protected), with some grey hair amidst her long thick black hair. When we used to tease her for her grey hair, with a snub, she used to boast saying hers is a family with lotsa intellect, proudly making us aware of the fact that her fore-fathers were all ashtavadhanis.(I must acknowledge, it is a real tough accomplishment and these days we hardly find any.) and that scholarly ppl have their hair turned grey at an early age. And then she used to say, “I don’t say I am an intellectual, I have just ‘inherited that property’ " now trying to garnish the scene with modesty. She is one such person who blows her own trumpet for hours together and at the end of all, adds a few words of modesty- an endeavor to make the listeners forget that she sang her own praises ;) 

Okay whatever, this A also has a eerie inclination to lifting. She steals money and small things like pens and books. In the class there was this 'mystery unsolved' of how everybody is losing almost everything in their bags. I and my cousin Keerthi were among the victims. R money used to go missing on daily basis. In one discussion at home, we figured out that everbodys things are missing except for our benchmate A’s. We kept a watch on her and now almost everybody in the class knows who the ‘baglifter’ is. A steals r money, goes to the bakery and nicely munches puffs and pastries. When she steals things, she goes straight to her home which is next to our college, hides them safe and comes back. We know it’s A but what we dint want to humiliate her. 

One day when dad was giving us money, my cousin said, “U keep giving money, she keeps stealing and hogging.” Then dad came up with a funny but wonderful idea, “Give all your things to A, and ask her to take care of them. donga ki thaalalu ichinattu”(like giving keys to the thief) but in a witty way ofcourse.” Lolllllllll :) :)..” 

From the next day, we used to go straight away, give all our things to A saying “Hey A, we are often losing our things these days. We are not as careful as you are with things. So please keep an eye on these too, along with yours.” The idea worked. The whole class followed in our route. 

The aftermath ,we rarely found her near the bakery. The year ended and she came up with a long slam book, which has some 50 blanks to fill in. My cousin annoyed after filling some 20 blanks, came across “Things I hate most :_________________”.

Keerthi wrote “ BAKERY and ROBBERY”. 

You should c A’s face when everbody started laughing wild. Tensed she fumed so red-hot, u can fry an omlette on her face(Oops!! no she is a vegetarian). 

Later after years, Keerthi happened to meet her once in a train. She saw A crying and searching the whole train for her lost mobile. 

Evil repays evil!!!

A lip-guard serves!!!

From the days, I had been a kid, I always hated make-up and related stuff. I remember in my class 4, when I was in the drill troop for independence day, i applied lipstick for the first time in my life. That day my teacher applied bright red lipstick on my lips and chunks of pink on my cheeks and my eye-lids and added to it, I was in a real funny attire- dark Blue Bermudas-white tee tucked in. uugghhh!!!!How I loathe even thinking of it. poor me!!

I came home and asked mom “Mom, do I look like Hanuman (my hero god) with this red mouth and pink cheeks??If u scrape off my lips, u get a spoonful of red matter” Mom laughed aloud. I started cursing my teacher for slathering so much of makeup on my face, which instead of making me look beautiful, made me look like one funny creature brought to earth from an alien planet. Whenever I see someone with lots of makeup, I used to whine “Mom, do they really need all that? They have got beauty natural.” Mom used to dismiss me off saying “It is upto them what they do. Who are we to complain? N dear, let me see if you stand on this when you are a grown-up” 

Today I write this to tell my mom that I stand on the words I spoke naively at that age. I like my face the way it is. I still carry an anti-makeup stance mom. Lately, I broke it for a modest amount of black eyeliner, kajal and mascara. Maybe makeup makes me look better- but who cares??I don’t care to convince the guys around me that I look pretty too. I just care enough to look decent as far as possible and that’s it with neatly pressed non-revealing dress, nicely combed hair (maybe even oiled) and my latest kajal-eyeliner amalgam. I have seen gorgeous girls around who have perfectly painted faces with no or only few stains, shining-flowing-layered/feathered hair and in-vogue wardrobe collection. But anything in them hardly inspires me. I don’t do all these even to pose for pretty pictures and mom, don’t expect me to do this even for the pictures you need to send for the initial scrutiny process of marriage. I don’t get drawn to those sparkling mysterious bottles. 

I give my strong support to girls who settle with their natural glow and my anti-support to guys who make girls feel that they’d never be good or pretty enough without smearing all that stuff. I am not against all this gooey stuff. I still smile as regal as other splendid-appearing gals settling with a lip guard instead of lipstick, no call for a lip gloss even.

P.S.: I am not a nerd, neither am I a fan of soberness.

Aawkwaaaaard!!!!!

Breakfast time. Mom served upma today. I asked mom to get an omelette (Got used to the Wednesday upma-omelette combo at Nicmar. That was the only day I felt worth waking up to have breakfast). Dad and I have a habit of having breakfast in the living room watching TV. Today I was watching Friends in Star world and when it was time for commercials, I started browsing through the channels and stopped at Travel and Living (I keep myself away from the regional channels for two reasons- one, staying away from TV for almost six years, I don’t follow those never-ending soaps in which crying and scheming remain the main parts forever and two, I don’t have a great taste for those dance or song shows where it is more of catfights than the actual song-dance stuff). 

And in this channel, today they were showing some costumes and I was like Waaaaawwww!!!(aloud) seeing those robes. And then I realized it is all belly dancing stuff. I was nicely watching and suddenly, two gals lifted their tops up exposing their bellies and started shaking their bellies in rhythm, belly dancing. Aaawkwaaaaard!!!!
 

I felt really awkward watching that with dad. I actually appreciate belly dance since I have first read about it years back in ‘The guide’ written by R.K. Narayan and I really appreciate the talent behind those fluid graceful movements. But sometimes, when all of a sudden, such not-quite-so-decent stuff comes on when we sit there nicely watching the TV with the family, I feel eeeeesssssshhhhh. I can’t even pick the remote up to change the channel. I just pray for the time to pass quickly. I hate that feeling. Such times, I take a sudden interest in the floor or the ceiling or anything else in the room and start focusing on it as if I am looking at it for the first time. Or I start picking my nails or I try to open up a nasty conversation if my sis happens to be beside me. Else, there’s an awkward silence where nobody makes eye contact or speaks until it’s gone off.
 

Of the late, at home, I happened to come across many such awkward situations. When somebody brings up the topic of my marriage at home, I feel really awkward. I feel awkward about this only before mom-dad. Maybe it has something to do with guilt as well. Being in a family full of girl-cousins who are all married and I being the very next one in chronological order in the queue, I faced this situation quite a lot of times lately. Everyone who comes home says “ So Deepu, It is your turn next eh?” Turning towards mum-day they give these free advices, “ So when are you planning to get her married? Do it ASAP. Days have changed. It’s risky sending our girls alone to cities.” 
 

ggrrrrrrr!!!!! I just don’t know where to wrap my head and I just don’t know how I’m supposed to behave or what I’m supposed to feel with that. I hide behind the curtains and try to slip away from the scene. For reasons obvious, I don’t feel comfortable and I find it tough to handle such situations dead-panned. The worst part is, when I sneak off from the room silently, people think I am blushing and shying away and they take that stupid dumb awkward smile I wear on my face as a shy smile and compel my dad even stronger.

Yes!! I am a Klutz...So what???

I love it when....

...my mom says " i should have done it all by myself. Just leave it there. ", when i drop a jar when moving from the kitchen to the table and spill the contents all over.

...my dad says " konchem bhoomi meeda vundu deepu (Stay on the earth deepu)", helping me straighten up my legs when i trip on an uneven (or may be even) bit of sidewalk while walking with him

...my R says " appude aipoinda?!(all over so soon?!)", when i tell him the recent updates of what i have done to something he gifted me(need not mention that the update would be some sort of messing it up)

...my KANS gang says "Nothing really special. As usual." when i knock over the glass of water/ drink on the dining table when reaching for some other bowl

...my gym instructor says " Paagal, Balance yourself on both your feet." when i fall down twisting my ankle or any possible thing in my body

Yes i am a klutz. I drop my keys 7 times while i just stand in the same spot. Things just fall out of my hand! I fall down and up my stairs, walkway and everywhere. I knock everything possible on my way. I bump my bike into every pothole I come across. I do these more when i am conscious about doing these.

Yes i have butter fingers. I have unbalanced feet and what not!!But what if i have?? The people whom i love the most never care. They just lightly smile, dispense my actions off just as a well known and universally accepted fact, or sometimes as an accident, never embarrassing me for what i am. I am a maladroit but still i am an adroit in many ways in which people are not.

Clumsy event is characterized as "an inadvertent negative result, of a series of bodily movements, which comes about as a consequence of the agent's series of actions and movements -- not simply an unfortunate coincidence, intended to accomplish something else altogether...bla bla bla...." Ask me if i care what this means....

All i care is for the fact that i have got a set of wonderful people who accept me the way i am and feel fortunate for having me.

Deluged mind

Today i was scrolling through one of my friends’ blogs. In the blog list i have seen the name of my blog ‘Deep Inside Me’-updated 7 months ago. My eyes popped out-“What??!! 7 months ago??!!”

Instatntly, a plethora of thoughts rushed into my mind. My mind, then a potpourri of thoughts, was unable to make up, what to think of first. Then my heart took control of my mind, calmed it down and narrated to my mind what my thoughts are, one after another.

1. What have I been doing these seven months? I am a kinda person who needs personal space more than anything else. And this blog is a part of my personal space as my post ‘Why do i write??’ says. So, what has been happening to this very important personal space of mine all these days? I ignored the blog for 7 months. Does it mean, I ignored my space as well? Or have i found something which made me forget the fact that i need space for myself? My heart went with the latter. Sometimes few things happen in life, which change your ways and your former philosophies, policies and principles you set in your life. I feel, it is no harm changing life your way or things your way. One fine day, when i sit back to recall what i have done in my life, it should not be just me. So i realized that there is something really really more important than just my space. 

KANS- This is what i am talking about- A word made with the first alphabet in the names of the people I madly freak out with, I share things with, I party with, I celebrate every silly moment with, I merry with, I gossip with, I share every single secret with, I brag about unreservedly with, I talk to day and night, I study with, I laugh with......(so on.....) and the only people for whom i don’t mind to compromise with my personal space (putting R, my family and my very few old friends aside for sometime). I cling to the memories created every excited second by these people in these seven months for a lifetime.

2. The words 7 months made me wonder what i have done seven months back. It reminded of my summer internship time. That was the time when I often published posts in my blog. That was one phase of my life i never wish to face again. That was a period when i faced loneliness to the extremes. Silence filled up the vacuum in my body, but still made my body more empty and the hollowness got stuffed so much in my body that at one point of my time, i felt, it would rip my body apart. (A dramatic version of my feelings. To put it simple, I can in fact say that Silence drove me mad. After all, it is blogging and i wanted to make it theatrical). This part of my life is what i call lonliness (Will Smith Style). I was totally stressed out. I realized the need of a partner at that time.

3. The thought of summer internship then made me think of what my future is. I dread my future more than anything else now. Is it gonna be similar to my summer internship? If it is, i think can’t really deal with it. During my summers, each passing day comforted me that it’s a day lesser to the end. But now, there is nothing like that in a job. So, i wish my work life is not as bad as it was.

4. Then i thought of how thoughtlessly and effortlessly i switched my goals. All the time, my goal was to get into a real estate company into some classy office-kinda job. I was completely against getting into execution. But now the job i am going for, is a core infrastructure job where i still don’t know what my profile would be and there are more than 50% chances that i would be given site execution, though i made very clear in the interview that i prefer an office job. But who cares? I am now very much satisfied with my placement but when i seriously think of it, I feel, i made my mind love it. I switched my goal at that very moment within seconds due to lack of self confidence (my biggest weakness). I had a fear that if i let go a company i may have a face a position where i will have to choose something making many compromises. But choosing to sit for the selection process of this company is a compromise, I dint realize then. Of course, this job offers me a life i have been dreaming for – a good cultured office with standard timings and all such stuff. But still, when i chose to attend I have made some compromise due to my low confidence levels which i should get over.

5. What next?? So now that i am placed in a good job what am i going to do next? No doubt, I ll miss my friends a lot. More than i can realize right now. But there is nothing we can do, life is designed in such way and we are bound to accept the design. The ppint now is that, having given birth to a gal, my parents might have been seriously considering proposals for my marriage, now that it is time. This is the most intimidating part of my life. How do i tell them and make them agree that i would do it all myself in my way. I don’t want to write much about it cos right now i am not yet clear about what to do next in this matter.

And i had six, seven, eight and many more thoughts crammed in my mind then. Thanks to my friends newly created blog 'An Escape to Serenity' which made me realize that it’s high time i should post something in my blog and bring it back to life from debris

The best mail i ever received

Tomorrow you may get a working woman, but you should marry her with these facts as well.

Here is a girl, who is as much educated as you are; Who is earning almost as much as you do; 

One, who has dreams and aspirations just as you have because she is as human as you are;

One, who has never entered the kitchen in her life just like you or your Sister haven't, as she was busy in studies and competing in a system that gives no special concession to girls for their culinary achievements

One, who has lived and loved her parents & brothers & sisters, almost as much as you do for 20-25 years of her life;

 

One, who has bravely agreed to leave behind all that, her home, people who love her, to adopt your home, your family, your ways and even your family ,name

One, who is somehow expected to be a master-chef from day #1, while you sleep oblivious to her predicament in her new circumstances, environment and that kitchen

One, who is expected to make the tea, first thing in the morning and cook food at the end of the day, even if she is as tired as you are, maybe more, and yet never ever expected to complain; to be a servant, a cook, a mother, a wife, even if she doesn't want to; and is learning just like you are as to what you want from her; and is clumsy and sloppy at times and knows that you won't like it if she is too demanding, or if she learns faster than you;

One, who has her own set of friends, and that includes boys and even men at her workplace too, those, who she knows from school days and yet is willing to put all that on the back-burners to avoid your irrational jealousy, unnecessary competition and your inherent insecurities;

Yes, she can drink and dance just as well as you can, but won't, simply because you won't like it, even though you say otherwise

One, who can be late from work once in a while when deadlines, just like yours, are to be met;

One, who is doing her level best and wants to make this most important, relationship in her entire life a grand success, if you just help her some and trust her;

One, who just wants one thing from you, as you are the only one she knows in your entire house - your unstinted support, your sensitivities and most importantly - your understanding, or love, if you may call it.

But not many guys understand this......

Please appreciate "HER" 

I hope you will do....

Why do i write??

I write this blog because I love writing. I know I am not a very good writer but I really want to be one. I want to improve and I believe this is the right way. I have been writing this blog all these days when I am extremely sick or excited or disturbed. I just wonder if there is anybody who reads my blog, though I never bother if others read or get impressed by it or write comments for it. When I read the posts I wrote last year, I try to recall the exact situation and analyze if I had written those because I dint have anybody to hear my pain then. But I always had wonderful people who loved me so much that they were ready to listen to every nonsense I speak at any time of the day. Then again I ask myself, why I write it down then? I think, i write because I feel content. I burst out emotionally each time I write something and at the end, I get a deep sense of satisfaction which matters for me more than anything else. I prefer living in solitude sometimes when I feel I am getting carried away by the world around, leaving no space for myself. This space has provided me solitude in this boisterous world. I become deaf to the outside world for sometime and then I realize I have found a space for myself, the personal space I crave for, all the time. It is only when one gets satisfied about himself/herself that he/she can give a happy space for others in life. I find that here in the blog. It makes me realize what I am, my individuality and the essence of my feelings. It teaches me the importance of living my life the way I love. The thoughts come straight from my heart and I pour in those into the blog and when I read them later I come to know what I was, what I am and I design what I should be and I try to be that. 

And now my blog has a different a sense as well. I was very happy when R called me n asked me to write my next post. So now I write cos R has asked me to. It gives you immense pleasure when you realize that your voice is heard and somebody is waiting to hear it more. Quite contrary to what I have written on the top??

Yes it really does matter more when there is somebody who can hear you and understand you even when you don’t say a single word. And it is that somebody that matters more than your personal space. And for this person you feel like doing anything in the world.

Writing gives me pleasure and writing about that one person gives me the ultimate!!!

Finally making the journey!

Hmmm.. after lots n lots of bookings and cancellations i settled with a volvo ticket to hyderabad at 6:15 near my office and then east coast express at 10:30 am tomorrow which takes me to rajahmundry at around 8pm. 

Pretty excited i am!!Not feeling like doing the work at office..Have not made a single arrangement for the marriage party yet. Everybody is full ..n me???
theek hai..koii baat nahin..atleat m going...
i have got lots of work to do here now..but m dreaming about home...i cant work here..God!!find me a way to get out of this place now!!!

Dad's bday phir se

It has been about an year since i posted that 'love u dad' post. It was dad's bday and i posted it for him that day. I gifted him a cigarette lighter last year. I bought that in Pages in Vizag. Sis called me yday asking what to buy for dad this year. I said hukka..She was like 'ya, sounds good!!But mind..pedaddy may scold us'. Pedaddy, my dad's elder brother, keeps scolding me n sis for not asking dad to stop smoking. Arey! Common pedaddy!!!let him do whatever he wants. How can he stop it now suddenly doing it all these years??Ya, i agree its harmful to health..I have asked him many times but he never listened. So i decided not to ask him again. Hmmm..so hukka is ruled out..What else can we give him??I have got him a pair of reid n taylor shirt and pant recently for pongal when i got scholarship. So sis said 'no clothes this time'..

hmm...only 5 more days..Should think of it!!

V ll make him cut the cake at 00:00 that day..n thats during keerthi's wedding..Everybody would be there. N that would be an unforgettable bday for him.It should be a surprise for him....

k gotta get outa office now...!Looking for a great celebration on 31st may...love u dad..

My sister’s wedding or is it my Best Friend’s??!!!!

Years ago, a sweet lil baby was born (that’s me :p)..I had her from then..

Yup..ryt from the day I was born!!!

From that very moment v have been partners in everything...

A true leo by nature, she is stubborn n being a scorpion, I am as stubborn as she is. We never agree with each other but then v love each other more than anything else. She is very sentimental with r relation n often expresses it. I am as sensitive as she is wid this, but I never let it show.

The first person in the world who shed tears for me! That was when our batch was shuffled and we were put in different classrooms in class 8. People around us used to scold me ‘She loves u a lot.U don’t have a bit of it!!’.

But thanks heavens!!She is the only person under the sun, who knows that, behind this haughty composure of mine, there exists an intense value for relations n love. She still cries like a baby when we don’t meet for a long time. She is getting married n so lemme see if this continues even now :p

N ha dear jeeju..here are some tips for you for a happy marriage with my darling sis. Here goes..

She just can’t tolerate being dominated. She is a complete woman and she expects you to be a real man. If you are planning to give her a gift; better make sure that it is classy and as per her superior taste. Give her genuine, decent and original compliments. 

She becomes a little arrogant and proud at times, but these are some of her basic personality traits. She cannot help thinking of herself above the normal masses and please don't tell her she's not. You will break her big, warm heart. 

At times you may find her weird in reasoning but u just can’t make her agree that it is wrong :p. She is the most agreeable as well as the kindest person on this earth. She cares and helps the needy. She is a combination of intelligence, wit, strength and talent with a feminine charm. This is what makes her irresistible. The best way to make her do anything is flatter her and she will even do the tiniest of chores for you. 

Never stop her from having a career after marriage. It will keep her busy, happy and contended. She will be the best wife and the perfect hostess. She is a shopaholic and not very careful about money and you will have to restrain her in this aspect. She can indulge in extravagance to fulfill her desire for lots and lots of clothes (make sure to make a king-size wardrobe for her at your home) and gifts for friends. Her taste may be a bit expensive, but it is also excellent (for god’s sake don’t tell her it is not, she fumes :p). She wants her independence and will give you yours too.

With her, you have to maintain a difficult balance. Don't let her control you, but then don't make her feel dominated too. If you manage to do all this, you will be getting the love you never even dreamt of!!! 

And dear friends!!! A special invitation for you from my side for my sister’s wedding!! Please make sure you are there to make her happy… 

Waiting for something..

Zrrrrrrrrrrrr…

My mobile vibrates under my pillow...I wake up excited, pull the mobile out and look at the screen.

Shitt..Its the alarm reminding me that its time to get up and get ready for the office.

Uff…Office??!!??Sounds awful..

When has it changed from college to office!!

God!! Life was roses all these days. N now this damned office!!.Its just the internship and I feel this and I wonder wats gonna happen one yr down from now..I just don want to get into this ‘busy-all work-no rest’ life..

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!! Just the thought is making me restless!!

Ok lemme talk about this in the posts to come.Ya I decided to start blogging daily..ok..atleast weekly..if not monthly..That is because I decided to become ‘me’ agn..Oops!!getting off-topic..

So where did I start this..

Hmmm..ya I wake up excited at the ring..

But I often end up disappointed, go back to sleep thinking that this is not the way to start my day. But poor me..i never know that this is the only way to start my day..even if it is after an hour or two or three..

M jus waiting for something that wont happen. But all these days it has been happening..Y doesn’t it happen now.

Is it a change in me or the change in situations or change in the thing m waiting for? I think it is all.

First, maybe it’s the change in situations. But I am not a gal who does not have the capacity to understand situations. But maybe now I have lost the capacity. So it’s a change in me. N now let me think about the change in the thing m waiting for.

Hmmm..all these days I have been thinking that I have changed and situations have changed. But something that has happened made me strongly believe that the major change is in the thing m waiting for.

I decided to be ‘me’.So I don’t want to ask for reasons.

But...i keep waiting for situations to be alright, for situations to be as they were. And this waiting thing took over my thinking and all I am left with is a mixture of anticipation and impatience driving me into disappointment, because whatever I am waiting for hasn’t happened yet, and I doubt if it wud happen in future.

My tears for Parzan

I feel very fortunate to be among the ppl who only listen or watch or read the news about the riots, blasts, natural calamities or any kind of chaos that take place in India very frequently. Touch wood!!!!!

I have watched Parzania movie jus a few minutes back..God!!i think i cant sleep for few days from now wid peace. Life is very difficult for few ppl. N v here eat, sleep, njoi n live happily. God has given us a lot, more than wats really required. We are very fortunate to be that part of the group which leads a smooth life. We still crave for something more. Every human being wants something more than what he has. 

At times i wonder if i really need anything more. The answer is 'no' many a time, times like now (my heart really aches for parzan and that parsi family and every other family which suffered during the 2002 Gujarat riots). I feel blessed to be alive today with every member of my family behind me and every part of my body working perfectly. 

I really want to do something for this country, something for my fellow human beings who have every right to live as happily as i do. What mistake have the common ppl done?? y is it their turn to suffer always?? 

I dont want to think of the unrealistic ' no religion' world. It is absolutely impossible. Now that we have the world in this state and it cant be changed into that unrealistic no-religion space, we have got to find a solution for this as it is. 

We talk about nanotech, robotics and hi-fi technologies to build developed India. Y cant v first think of solving the basic soceital problems?? Are we really concerned about the ppl dying around us for no fault of theirs?? 

I confess, i jus watch the news, offer my condolences for the dead n injured for 2 or 3 days and then its a matter of past and i get into the 'selfish my life'

How far am i doing justification for the life god has given me?? Y cant i retain the feelings i have at this moment, forever..I know its my problem, a problem with the state of my mind..But atleast at this moment i wish m one among the few ppl who r sincerely struggling to make india 'parzania'....

A very bad-structured post, i know..

All i want is jus lightening my heart b4 i sleep. I jus want to cry out wat i feel

Love u dad

Dear Dad,

Before I was myself you made me, me

With love and patience, discipline and tears,

Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free,

Allowing me to sail upon my sea,

Though well within the headlands of your fears.

Before I was myself you made me, me

With dreams enough of what I was to be

And hopes that would be sculpted by the years,

Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free, 

Relinquishing your powers gradually

To let me shape myself among my peers.

Before I was myself you made me, me, 

And being good and wise, you gracefully

As dancers when the last sweet cadence nears

Bit by bit stepped back to set me free. 

For love inspires learning naturally:

The mind assents to what the heart reveres.

And so it was through love you made me, me

By slowly stepping back to set me free. 

Happy bday nannagaru…

luv u lots…

So many times.....

Sometimes it can be hard to fully accept God's forgiveness. we live in a world that almost requires you to be constantly proving yourself- to prove that you're good enough, pretty enough, talented enough, rich enough, or whatever. It's hard to find people who will accept you for who you are, and harder to find people who will love you for who you are. But God knows, accepts, understands, and loves you for you. Sure He wants to be at work in your life, and help you grow, but He created you the way you are and He loves all of his creation. It's easy to fall into feeling life you're inadequate, that there has to be something you can do to "qualify" yourself for the position God has you in. But really, what can we do to prove ourselves? God already knows our strengths and weaknesses, our successes and failures, past, present, and future. He sees us for the messed up, fallen humans we are and still reaches out with His mercy and grace to save us.

I'm not perfect, I mess things up, I lose my temper- God knows that. And still he forgives me every time I repent and seek Him. My slate of transgressions is constantly washed clean by Christ. I don't need to keep my own record of wrongs. He's seen them all, looked over them, and wiped them away. I don't need to keep pointing things out, all I can do is accept His forgiveness, and continue to walk in His way

No, I am not worthy of God's love, or of the position He has put me in. Who am I, a sinner, to tell people about God's love, to share His word, and call myself His child? But yes, He loves me and longs after me, when I turn away, and when I got running into His loving, open arms.

So Many Times.....

So many times I’ve doubted 

Your faithfulness and love

So many times I’ve walked away

From you and your will

So many times I’ve turned my back 

To the one who really cares

So many times I’ve disregarded Your desires 

and followed my own

So many times you’ve proven 

Your faithfulness and love

So many times you’ve called me back 

And helped me see your truth

So many times you’ve turned me around 

And held me in your loving arms

So many times you’ve forgiven me 

And patiently showed me your heart

How many times will I 

Doubt you and walk away

How many times will I 

Turn my back and disregard you

How many times will you 

Prove yourself and call me back

How many times will you 

Turn me around and forgive me

(From Ashley's blog..i was browsing through some blogs at random..i found her blog interesting and particularly this post i felt reflects my feelings)

V cant spell S CCESS without U

 

November 8th is an unforgettable day in my life.Siva Prasad sir left the college today. I never thought tears would roll down such a dynamic person's cheeks.He cried and made every person cry.I never knew that there is an emotional side in this tough man.I never knew that he values relations this much.He is unique in his style and though his ways are very strict,v have learnt a lot from them.He is one man who can be described as Mr.Perfect.Even the word perfect seems inappropriate. My vocabulary is not too high to find an apt word for him.He stays in the hearts of thousands of students and i believe,his blessings are there for all his students.We crave for being in his good books.

 

Nobody else in my life scolded me as much as he did.Nobody else made me cry as much as he did in the college.But i never took it to my heart.I learned a lot from everything he has done.He made me tough.The day i stepped into the college i was very sensitive and i cried for every silly reason.He scolded me daily without missing one single day.He made me miss my dearest family, forcing us to attend the extra classes and punished me if i ever missed the class.Once, he made me stand outside the class for four hours.He made me cry endlessly for one full day.But the result of these, today my heart is as hard as a rock.He taught me what life is.He taught me how to deal with problems of life.He made me know that life has got lot in store beyond all these problems.He helped us in building our lives and designing our careers.He is very kind at heart and understood the problems of his students.Above all,he is a wonderful teacher.His teaching is matchless and he can handle any subject at ease.All of us became masters in all the subjects he taught.I dont think any other teacher in this world received as many compliments as he did.I just cant imagine the civil engineering department in our college without him.He is the one for whom we went to college all these days.And now he is not going to come to college from tomorrow and i just don't find a single reason to go there.

Today, all of us thought of speaking a lot about him.But alas!we were at loss of words.Our tears spoke volumes.I will put sir next to my parents if i make a list of the people whom i respect most in my life.He is my role model and i try to show atleast a quarter of the dedication he shows towards his profession. I believe just that will make the most successful person.His dialogue 'SKY IS THE LIMIT' is printed in my heart and i take it as the most inspiring quote in my life.I feel proud to be his student.

HATS OFF to our sweetest siva prasad sir!!!!

Damn this F.E.M!!!!

This bloody Finite Element Method never goes into my brain.My professor says that f.e.m is jus discretizing a body subjected to a system of forces,analysing these smaller elements and then finally assembling their solutions.It can be considered as a numerical method to solve complicated problems by replacing it with a number of simpler problems..Sounds simple..but just do it and you will know the real pain in your life.A conundrum,an enigma and what not....I doubt i will flunk this subject in the end exams.Entirely new language.This subject sounds like greek and Latin and the words used in it are the ones i hate most.Those stress-strain dispalcements,compatibility,discretization,interpolation,shape functions,element stiffness matrix,idealisation bla bla bla...are tearing my brain out..i suppose there wont be a strand of hair left on my head by the time i complete reading these text books.Those authors whose names i can never pronounce have written in their own ways not caring whether the student understands the stuff .No two authors match in their thoughts and whom should i follow?

Why should i study this?Is it going to help me in my future..a big N-O if i dont have a grip over the subject.Unfortunately(or fortunately),i dont have and so i for sure i can never get into this track.Then,do i need to work hard in this subject?Yes,i should.. i should maintain a damn 80+ aggregate.God find a solution!!This subject is making me mad.I will forget the world if it continues to eat up my brain at this pace..

But know what!!this subject earns lakhs of money per month.A perfect grip on this one subject is enough to make you a millionaire.You can simply forget all the other things you have learned if you go into this field.Just F.E.M is enough to make you travel thousands of miles.

See how life is!Good things in life cannot be reached easily.Lot of effort is often required.Put in this effort and you find the world in your hand!!

I want the truth from you even if it hurts me

Yes,it hurts more when you find that your dearest person has lied.Why should that person lie when he/she knows that you would be accepting whatever he/she does?Why cant a person show his true identity when he is with the person who loves him or trusts him more than anybody else?Why do people just show off, masking what truly they are inside?After all, we are friends and relationship is all about accepting each others faults.When there is no such understanding there is no relation.What difference does it make whether the person is a friend or an unknown person when the other person doesnt accept you the way you are.

I can never tolerate when a loved one lies to me.I am ready to accept even the most deadly or terrific truth but not a silly lie.I cry for a day if my friend tells me that he/she doesnt like me, but i cry everyday if my friend tells me that he likes me but says he doesnt at my back.May be i am abnormal but that really hurts.If not today,someday i get to know the truth somehow and that day i cant help ending up with a negative feeling on that person.I dont like this to happen.I cant afford to lose my dear ones just for the sake of a silly lie.But thats how my mentality has been since years.I tried to change it but i could not.I have lost some friends just for this one silly(the most serious one for me) reason and now i regret.

But when i give things a second thought i feel i am on the right side.'Never lie' is what ma has taught us since our childhood and now because we are grown ups do you think you can break the rules?Lie if it doesnt hurt others,but if it does..decide what is more important -lie or the person and then go ahead.I do lie many a time but not when the other person doesnt expect it from me.I am not teaching philosophy.I jus wanna make people know that, it pains when the person whom we like the most cheats(yes, a big word for a lie..but it does make sense here and this is how ur dear ones feel when u lie) you.

Some day i will win the world!

My first post.

What should i do here?Everything is new!Why did i come into this?

I dont know why,I jus wana put my leg into everything.My heart always says " Why dont you do that when somebody else is doing?".Thats the reason why i am into everything.

Is this bad?Yes,it is! sometimes,but not always.

I get to know new things only if i step into it.If things fail i will never go there again and if they work out nobody can stop me from going ahead.I try to be optimistic every second but god never allows me to be so.God has not done justice to me.He has forgot to put something in me when he made me,courage.Yes,my mind lacks courage n makes me a pessimist though i hate to be one.All the time i try to erase these negative feelings out of my mind but i can never do it.Dont you think this is injustice?

And ya,i try to step into everything but if i fail twice i will never dare trying out new things again.I lose all my hopes,my confidence and everything.This is wat my life has been.

But i know from this minute,i will be
The daring,The optimist,The winner!!!

Oh Lord, my God
Guide me in your ways
I wander this world lost and alone
With weary footsteps I trod
My path is aimless,
my goal out of reach
Hear my cry, oh Lord
Cover me with mercy and grace
Save me from my destruction
Steal me away from this despair
Let me soar on eagle's wings
Oh Lord, my God
I want to see your holy face
To know your awesome might
Do not withhold your power
Take the sword of your Word to my heart
Cut away these sinful desires
I want to be washed clean and pure
To be made new in your eyes
Oh Lord, my God
Rescue me, reach down your hand
Strengthen my faith each day
Reveal your self to me
I seek to understand, to know you
Rejuvenate this weary soul
I desire your counsel
Oh Lord, my God, help me.
That is my prayer. My desire. My longing. I want the pieces of darkness left clinging to my soul to be exposed to the Light.