Deluged mind

Today i was scrolling through one of my friends’ blogs. In the blog list i have seen the name of my blog ‘Deep Inside Me’-updated 7 months ago. My eyes popped out-“What??!! 7 months ago??!!”

Instatntly, a plethora of thoughts rushed into my mind. My mind, then a potpourri of thoughts, was unable to make up, what to think of first. Then my heart took control of my mind, calmed it down and narrated to my mind what my thoughts are, one after another.

1. What have I been doing these seven months? I am a kinda person who needs personal space more than anything else. And this blog is a part of my personal space as my post ‘Why do i write??’ says. So, what has been happening to this very important personal space of mine all these days? I ignored the blog for 7 months. Does it mean, I ignored my space as well? Or have i found something which made me forget the fact that i need space for myself? My heart went with the latter. Sometimes few things happen in life, which change your ways and your former philosophies, policies and principles you set in your life. I feel, it is no harm changing life your way or things your way. One fine day, when i sit back to recall what i have done in my life, it should not be just me. So i realized that there is something really really more important than just my space. 

KANS- This is what i am talking about- A word made with the first alphabet in the names of the people I madly freak out with, I share things with, I party with, I celebrate every silly moment with, I merry with, I gossip with, I share every single secret with, I brag about unreservedly with, I talk to day and night, I study with, I laugh with......(so on.....) and the only people for whom i don’t mind to compromise with my personal space (putting R, my family and my very few old friends aside for sometime). I cling to the memories created every excited second by these people in these seven months for a lifetime.

2. The words 7 months made me wonder what i have done seven months back. It reminded of my summer internship time. That was the time when I often published posts in my blog. That was one phase of my life i never wish to face again. That was a period when i faced loneliness to the extremes. Silence filled up the vacuum in my body, but still made my body more empty and the hollowness got stuffed so much in my body that at one point of my time, i felt, it would rip my body apart. (A dramatic version of my feelings. To put it simple, I can in fact say that Silence drove me mad. After all, it is blogging and i wanted to make it theatrical). This part of my life is what i call lonliness (Will Smith Style). I was totally stressed out. I realized the need of a partner at that time.

3. The thought of summer internship then made me think of what my future is. I dread my future more than anything else now. Is it gonna be similar to my summer internship? If it is, i think can’t really deal with it. During my summers, each passing day comforted me that it’s a day lesser to the end. But now, there is nothing like that in a job. So, i wish my work life is not as bad as it was.

4. Then i thought of how thoughtlessly and effortlessly i switched my goals. All the time, my goal was to get into a real estate company into some classy office-kinda job. I was completely against getting into execution. But now the job i am going for, is a core infrastructure job where i still don’t know what my profile would be and there are more than 50% chances that i would be given site execution, though i made very clear in the interview that i prefer an office job. But who cares? I am now very much satisfied with my placement but when i seriously think of it, I feel, i made my mind love it. I switched my goal at that very moment within seconds due to lack of self confidence (my biggest weakness). I had a fear that if i let go a company i may have a face a position where i will have to choose something making many compromises. But choosing to sit for the selection process of this company is a compromise, I dint realize then. Of course, this job offers me a life i have been dreaming for – a good cultured office with standard timings and all such stuff. But still, when i chose to attend I have made some compromise due to my low confidence levels which i should get over.

5. What next?? So now that i am placed in a good job what am i going to do next? No doubt, I ll miss my friends a lot. More than i can realize right now. But there is nothing we can do, life is designed in such way and we are bound to accept the design. The ppint now is that, having given birth to a gal, my parents might have been seriously considering proposals for my marriage, now that it is time. This is the most intimidating part of my life. How do i tell them and make them agree that i would do it all myself in my way. I don’t want to write much about it cos right now i am not yet clear about what to do next in this matter.

And i had six, seven, eight and many more thoughts crammed in my mind then. Thanks to my friends newly created blog 'An Escape to Serenity' which made me realize that it’s high time i should post something in my blog and bring it back to life from debris