Postmortem of my fights

I often quarrel with my loved ones when something goes wrong, as a matter of fact, whenever something doesn’t go my way.

“Don’t internalize negative feelings. Suppressing your rage doesn’t mean letting it go off, it actually means feeding and breeding it to cultivate into a demon. Staying fine, pretending nothing is wrong is the last thing to do, when you actually want to get over that. One day you wake up to discover that there is lots of cannot-be-cleared-up inventory in there.”-My way. 

I fight over petty things, almost everything that disappoints me, cos, I know if I don’t, I am building a stockpile of ‘things to be discussed later’. True, if not today, someday I definitely mouth those feelings when I quarrel, but this time with more sweeping uncontrollable rage than it ought to be. So, time to time I make it a point to crackdown the pot. I heard, an ulcer grows the same sum inward as much as it grows outward. It should be amputated at the inception itself. The same applies here as well. 

I just take for granted that my dear ones are made with intuitive powers. I expect them to guess if something goes wrong with me. I withdraw completely from everything, unwilling to open up; leaving them baffled and wondering “What’s wrong?” When they ask me, I just care to say “Nothing” with thoughts piling up inside “Does he/she really not know? After knowing me for years, why does he/she still do this? Can’t he/she read my expression and understand I am not happy? How insensitive!!” 

I grumble with self-pity. I feel sorry for myself. Nothing functions normally. I take away completely in sulk and morose. I brood over every tiny detail, dissect it, measure it from all possible angles but still don’t ingest it. I create a flinty atmosphere. This internal conversation goes on but that person unaware that m sulking, adequately eats, sleeps and laughs.(eeeesh!! I just behave so immature! Ironically, I sometimes act this way when I am branded to be ‘not rational’) 

One day I wake up. “This is really done with today. I am the one constantly in pain. I am hurting nobody but myself. All this is futile. He/She doesn’t even know what it is he/she has done. Let me just air it. At least, I feel better whatever the outcome is.” So after this delayed but factual realization of mine, I decide to finally unveil what’s bothering me. I argue, fight, shout, quarrel, cry and after all this bicker-snicker, my anger gets dissipated and I start relaxing. 

(Note: I do all this only with my very beloved ones. Ya, I know I am peevish and I don’t get slighted if they say so, cos I know I peeve)

Now we start analyzing what has caused all this in the first place. I give my version-they give theirs. Whatever has actually sprouted the fight, now gets permanently smashed at the roots. We become ‘indisputably friends’ again, laughing and chatting, ready for a fresh fight of course (no harm as long as you keep resolving issues). 

All over. I love them more than any time before. 

Nota Bene: 

This often happens with everybody- friends, couple, mom-child, dad-child, boss-subordinate etc. Taking the general case of a couple, this regularly happens with guy-girl, be it friends, lovers or married couple. I think women use lot of non-verbal signs to communicate and they expect men to interpret it their way. But men need to be spoon fed with all the data at their feet in the form of bulleted points. It is true that women can’t speak as coherently as men do with introduction-explanation-conclusion, necessarily in that sequence(as men want). The guy talk is entirely different-all in place unlike a gal’s- all over place. But that is what we (addressing ‘I along with other women’ now on) are, so we often end up in the way I do. Whatever it is, we are born (though not bred) this way. 

It’s a ‘woman thing’ and we expect the guy to get over the ‘why the hell can’t she tell?’ mode and take some ‘male interest’ in this.(No wonder if a guy feels quite the opposite, after all, howmuch ever we try, we cant get over what are)